saphira

Hi,

I would need help from a native English to read this cover letter and correct it because there should be grammatical or meaning problems... Thank you very much in advance . All your advice or recommendation will be very usefull to me.

Here is my letter :


Dear Sir,

I would like to submit my application at the procurement / marketing department of your company.

Thanks to a specific professional and academic background, I specialized in procurement and Marketing after an Engineering degree. My affinity with negotiations and marketing issues, along with my technical background will allow me to quickly adapt your purpose and be efficient to your company.

Following a first work experience in Marketing at a project management company in Johannesburg, I decided to specialize in purchasing to be able to work as a commercial and business engineer. At Ingerop Africa (Johannesburg), I have been given the possibility to demonstrate my innovative thinking by designing a global information network which efficiently improved communication among project engineers. Thanks to my high degree of motivation and several relevant communication analysis and reports, I have been promoted to expand tender offers market, customers and prospects numbers.

Thereafter, I worked in communication space purchasing (6 Millions €) and Media planning at Peugeot in Portugal, for a 21 months fixed-term contract. I have demonstrated my strategic ability through successful advertising campaigns and launches of new vehicles in the Portuguese automotive market. Financially oriented, I optimized company investments, being able to reach the best market awareness results of the year, for two different launching campaigns(*). Thanks to efficient commercial negotiations with TV Channel and Press directors or Media Group managers, I improved brand image and awareness, with a 10 percent decreased budget.

Thanks to a specific professional and academic background, I have a global approach in Procurement / Marketing and Technical issues (Engineering). My overseas work experiences allowed me to be fluent in French, English and Portuguese which will help me adapt a multicultural environment in South Africa. I am fully available for a work trial to insure you that my application is all the more reliable than I already worked in South Africa. Enclosed is a copy of my resume.


Thank you for your time and consideration.
Yours sincerely,

__________________
Saphira

Danielle

Saphira
Thank you for giving me a chance to help someone else. I would love to put my English skills to use for you. Unfortunately I have a busy weekend planned. I've copied your cover letter and I will post a revised copy for you at this site Monday morning.
When you say, "tenders", what do you mean by this? Money?
Glad to be of help,
Danielle
P.S. I'm 23.

saphira

Hi Danielle,
Thank you very much in advance for your help and your answer. I am looking foward to "reading" from you soon. Hope it could be today.
regards,
Saphira

PS : I am 27

__________________
Saphira

lenfini

Bonjour Madame,

Moi, je m'appelle John (on dit Jean et Juan aussi ) et j'ai décidé à faire des corrections à votre résumé. Cependant, vous ne devrais pas me remercier trop vite, parce que si je n'avais cette chance de practiquer mon français, je probablement ne l'aurais pas fait. De toute facon, je peux vous assurer que ça a été fait dans une facon trés compétente. En outre, vous pouvais lui donner vote résumé à un anglophone là-bas en Iowa pour que ce-dernier fasse encore des corrections. Mais si j'étais toi, je ne serais si sûr que je vraiment pourais dépendre d'une personne d'Iowa à réaliser pour moi une entreprise tellement cruciale. Les gens d'Iowa, ils sont plutôt paysans, n'est-ce pas?

Au fait, étant donné que l'autre femme souscrite à cette discussion vous a promise de corriger votre résumé d'ici lundi, mais que elle ne l'a toujours pas fait, ça a également contribué à ma décision de vous aider.

Mais cette-dernière avais toute raison quand elle disais que l'extrait suivant de votre résumé était dénué de sens: ...to expand tender offers market, customers and prospects numbers.... Alors, pouvez-vous m'envoyer encore un message en précisant exactement ce que vous voulez dire par là, ainsi que la traduction originale française? Si je ne pourrai pas faire des bonnes correction cette fois-ci, nous simplement renverrons encore un message dans un forum de différent, c'est-à-dire, le du français.

Bon, il faut que je m'en aille. Mais vous trouverez ci-dessous votre résumé révisée.

Salut,

John

PS: Moi, j'ai vingt-huit ans, et j'en adore tous!

Dear Sir or Madam:

I would like to submit my application to the marketing department of your company.

By virtue of an academic background at once strong and specific, I was able to specialize in the procurement and marketing fields after completing my degree in engineering. Indeed, my ability in negotiations and marketing issues, along with my technical background, will allow me to quickly and efficiently adapt to the mission of your company.

Following my initial work experience in marketing at a project-management company in Johannesburg, I decided to specialize in purchasing, so I could work as a commercial and business engineer. At Ingerop Africa (Johannesburg), I was given the opportunity to demonstrate my innovative thinking by designing a global-information network that efficiently improved communication among project engineers. Thanks to a high degree of motivation, not to mention several relevant communication analyses and reports, I received a promotion to expand our (tender-offers market, customers and prospect numbers???)

After that experience, I worked in both communication-space purchasing and media planning at Peugeot in Portugal, on a 21-month fixed-term contract basis. There, I demonstrated my strategic ability through several successful advertising campaigns, as well as through the launching of new vehicles in the Portuguese automotive market. Since I am financially oriented, I optimized company investments, having been able to achieve the year's best market-awareness results for two particular launching campaigns. By authority of efficient commercial negotiations with television and press directors, as well as with media-group managers, I improved brand image and awareness, even as I dealt with a ten-percent decrease in budget!

All the more, I have a global approach in both marketing and technical issues, that is, in engineering. My overseas work experience has allowed me to acquire fluidity in French, English and Portuguese, which will help me adapt to any multicultural work environment there might be in South Africa. I am fully willing to work on a trail basis. This, however, is only to insure you that my application is every bit as reliable as though I were already living in South Africa. Indeed, I am a very goal-oriented person.

Enclosed you will find a copy of my resume. Thank you for your time and consideration; I really look forward to hearing from you.


Yours sincerely,

saphira

Hi John,

First, I'd like to thank you (this time, it is a "post-help" thanks !) for your corrections / suggestions. You corrected my letter with a very clever approach, I appreciate. Wherever you come from, your "writing style" fully fits me, and I feel close to it, which is the most important by the way. You seem to be a reliable person and whatever your reasons, I thank you for your help.
Thanks to your work, I tried to make several corrections (grammatical and meaning) to improve my original letter. Even if I took all your suggestions in account, sometimes, I tried to change some sentences as I wanted to correct the meaning.
Anyway, hope this letter is better and hope that it will be ok.
Your corrections, made me realize that my CV should have some corrections too, if you feel like helping (…) I can send it by email, in word format, will be easier. If you don't want to leave your email on the forum, here is mine :
pioku2@netcourrier.com.
If you have some comprehension difficulties, let me know the sentence, I will translate into French, but I hope it will not be necessary.
Here is the improved (hope so...) version of the letter :


Dear Sir or Madam,

I would like to submit my application to the procurement / marketing department of your company.

Thanks to a specific professional and academic background, I specialized in procurement and Marketing after completing an Engineering degree. Indeed, my ability in negotiations and marketing issues, along with my technical background will allow me to quickly and efficiently align myself with the objectives of your company.

Following a first work experience in Marketing and business development at a project management company in Johannesburg, I decided to specialize in purchasing, so I could work as a commercial and business engineer. At XXXXX (Johannesburg), I was given the opportunity to demonstrate my innovative thinking by designing a global information network which efficiently improved information exchanges among project engineers. Involved into the bid/no bid process for national and international markets, I was promoted to expand the market of tenders, as well as the customers and prospects numbers.

Thereafter, I worked in communication space purchasing (6 Millions ¤) and Media planning at XXXXX in YYYYY for a 21 month fixed-term contract. I have demonstrated my strategic ability through several successful advertising campaigns and launches of new vehicles in the XXXXX automotive market. Thanks to efficient commercial negotiations with TV, Channel and Press directors or Media Group managers, I set up new control procedures for investments and enhanced several terms of the purchasing contracts, although I worked with a reduction in budget.

I have a global approach in Procurement, Marketing and Technical issues. My overseas work experiences allowed me to be fluent in French, English and Portuguese which will help me rapidly (re)adapt to the multicultural environment of South Africa. I am fully available for a work trial period to assure you that my application is fully reliable and my involvement in my work will be total.

Enclosed is a copy of my resume.


Thank you for your time and consideration.
Yours sincerely,

__________________
Saphira

lenfini

Bonjour Madame!

Les remarques que vous trouver ci-dessous sont assez fortes. Mais il faut prendre les choses comme elles sont--particulièrement quand l'on a mis beaucoup de temps à faire des si bonnes correcions.

Bon, si je comprends bien mon astrologie, vous devez être soit de la Balance soit du Taureau, car vous n’avez guère incorporé mes suggestions. Étant donné que vous êtes tellement têtue, qu’est-ce que je dois donc vous recommander cette fois-ci? Alors, je vais essayer quand même de faire un gros effort a fin de vous aider de nouveau.

Bon, commençons par le commencement! C’est-à-dire que, en ce qui concerne la grammaire anglaise, votre résumé est toujours plein d’erreurs. Je m’interroge si vous pensez puisque vous vous trouver dans les État-Unis vous savez que vous avez toute raison à propos de la grammaire anglaise. Alors, si mon soupçon est vrai, ne pensez pas comme ça! Je peux vous assurer que, même si une partie du sens original ait éte perdue dans la traduction, ma première revision ferais de meilleur impression sur n’importe quel patron.

Quelques remarques davantage:

1. En anglais, on ne mets pas en majuscule les professions. Donc, on ne peux pas dire des choses comme les suivantes: “I specialized in procurement and Marketing after completing an Engineering degree,” non plus, “I have a global approach in Procurement, Marketing and Technical issues.”

2. Vous dites que vous avez été en l’Afrique du Sud. Je ne sais pas exactement ce que les gens disent là-bas, mais en Amérique nous n’avons pas l’habitude de dire le mot “procurement.” Êtes-vous tout à fait sûre qu’il faut vous servir de ce mot-là?

3. Regardez bien la phrase suivante: “Thanks to a specific professional and academic background, I specialized in procurement and Marketing after completing an Engineering degree.” Par là, entendez-vous que votre expérience universitaire fut si complète que vous étudiâtes non seulment l’ingénierie mais assui le marketing ainsi que l’approvisionnement? Si c’est vrai ça, pourquoi ne pas le mettre en clair en lieu de faire qu’on doive en tirer une déduction? D’après moi, les lettres explicatives devraient être faciles à lire, c’est-à-dire simple, au sens large du terme. De plus, si vous avez eue votre diplôme d’ingénieur, pourquoi vous vous êtes consacrée a la fois au marketing et l’approvisionnement en lieu d’à l’ingénierie d’abord? Ou est-ce que le post que vous avais eu occupée avant de, selon vous, “work(ing) as a commercial and business engineer .... At Ingerop Africa (Johannesburg)...” étais aussi d’ingénieur comme du marketing ainsi que de l’approvisionnement? En général, il faut que vous vous expliquiez d’une façon plus claire.


4. Le mot anglais “thereafter” (par la suite) est trop archaïque pour une lettre explicative. À sa place, je dirais soit “After that [sustantif]” soit “After that time.”

5. “I worked in communication space purchasing (6 Millions ¤)...” et particulièrement, “(6 Millions ¤)....” Qu’est-ce que vous voulez dire par là? Voulez-vous dire que vous avais eu 6 million d’euros à votre disposition a fin d’acheter des lieux commerciaux pour les communications?

6. Ne insistez-vous pas pour vous servir de l’expression anglaise “thanks to” (grâce à) tellement! Cette-dernière n’est pas trés commune en anglais. On peut dire également: “through,” “because of,” “by virtue of,” “As (I was),” “In my (quelque chose) as,” etc.

7. “I have a global approach in Procurement, Marketing and Technical issues.” Quel phrase affreuse, atroce, terrible!!! En anglais, on n’a pas l’habitude d’avoir une approche globale. En lieu de cela, il faut que vous disiez quelque chose comme ceci: “Through my experiences working abroad in the fields of engineering, marketing and procurement, I am strongly-suited for work in an ever-expanding global marketplace.”

8. Pourquoi ne pas dire “I look forward to hearing from you” a fin de conclure votre résumé? C'est tout à fait professionnel, ça.

Ouf! Comme j’ai déclaré dans des autres disscusions dans ce forum, je vais commencer à m’appeller “Jean” après tout ce français.

État donné que j’avais envie de votre idée pour la signature du message, j’ai décidé de le copier.

Je serais à votre entière disposition a fin de faire des corrections à votre “CV” (on ne dit pas ça non plus, on dit “resume”) à condition que vous me répondissiez, autant que faire se peut, c’est-à-dire dans la mesure du possible, en français.

Vous trouverez ci-dessous la dernière traduction de votre résumé. Servez-vous de lui cette fois-ci!

Amitiés,

Juan


Dear Sir or Madam,

I would like to submit my application to the procurement and/or marketing department of your company.

Thanks to a strong academic background, I managed to specialize in procurement and marketing after completing my engineering degree. Indeed, my ability in negotiations and marketing issues, along with my technical background, will allow me to quickly and efficiently align myself with the objectives of your company.

Following my first work experience in marketing and business development at a project-management company in Johannesburg, I decided to specialize in purchasing, aiming to work as a commercial and business engineer. At XXXXX (Johannesburg), I was given the opportunity to demonstrate my innovative thinking by designing a global information network that efficiently improved information exchanges among project engineers. Involved into the bidding process for both national and international markets, I was promoted to expand tender offers, as well as company numbers of customers and prospects.

After that time, I worked in communication space purchasing (six million ¤) and media planning at XXXXX in YYYYY on a 21-month, fixed-term contract. I have demonstrated my strategic ability through several successful advertising campaigns and launches of new vehicles in the XXXXX automotive market. Through efficient commercial negotiations with television networks, press directors and media group managers, I set up new control procedures for investments and enhanced purchasing contracts over the span of several terms, even as I worked with a significant reduction in budget.

I have a global approach in procurement, marketing and technical issues. Through my overseas work experiences I have become fluent in French, English and Portuguese, which will help me rapidly (re)adapt to the multicultural environment of South Africa. I am entirely willing to work on a trial basis to assure you that my application is fully reliable and that my involvement with my occupation will be total.

Enclosed is a copy of my resume. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Yours sincerely,

__________________
John

saphira

Bonjour Juan, ou plutot devrais-je dire Jean,

tout d'abord je tiens à vous remercier particulièrement et une nouvelle fois pour vos corrections que je trouve encore une fois extrêmement constructives. Certes vos remarques sont parfois un peu franches, mais elles ne manquent pas d'intérêt.
Pour ma défense et aussi pour vous expliquer mon "entêtement", j'avais effectivement occulté certaines de vos corrections, mais dans l'unique but de rapprocher le texte de mon expérience. Certaines de vos remarques me semblaient parfois un peu éloignées de mon idée de départ (qui était très certainement mal exprimée, je le confesse et j'en suis coupable !).
Toujours est-il que j'ai bien pris en considération vos nouvelles corrections et la dernière version de cette fameuse lettre de motivation (cover letter ?) me semble très bonne, grâce à vos remarques, cette fois je les ai TOUTES intégrées dans la nouvelle version !

Ci-joint, voici le texte de mon CV. je ne possède pas de version française, mais si vous avez des doutes, je vous traduierez les phrases qui posent problème en français.

Pour finir, étant donné que votre niveau de français est excellent, je me permets de vous faire quelques très petites corrections à mon tour. J'espère que vous les prendrez comme ma façon de participer un peu à vous aider en retour de votre aide.
"ma première revision ferais de meilleur impression sur n’importe quel patron" : ma première révision ferait la meilleur impression à n'importe quel patron
"De plus, si vous avez eue votre diplôme d’ingénieur" : de plus, si vous avez eu votre diplôme d'ingénieur
"Ne insistez-vous pas pour vous servir de l’expression anglaise “thanks to” (grâce à) tellement!" : N'insister pas autant pour vous servir de l'expression anglaise...
"Comme j’ai déclaré dans des autres disscusions dans ce forum, je vais commencer à m’appeller “Jean” après tout ce français." : comme j'ai participé à d'autres discussions, je fais finir par me faire appeler Jean
" à condition que vous me répondissiez" : à conditions que vous m répondiez, ou mieux que vous acceptiez de me répondre


PS : Oui, je suis taureau, bien vu de votre part !
Ravi que ma signature vous ait plu ;-)) , c'est une sorte de compliment ?!

Amitiés à vous Jean,


WORK EXPERIENCE
XXXXXXX, Purchasing / Contracts Negotiations – Marketing department, Lisbon, Portugal
-Communication space purchasing in collaboration with the international department of the head office
-Market studies purchasing
-Direct trade talks with the main national medias: strategy definition in relation with the TV and Press commercial directors
-Negotiations of the annual contract terms (6 Millions €) with the media agency : purchasing terms, Incentives / penalties, Agency fees
-Management of the Media agency, conflicts management, defense of company's interests
-Marketing plan set up, Annual strategic briefing in relation with the marketing director
-Benchmark and marketing analysis
-Evaluation of supplier performances (qualitative and quantitative indicators)
-Set up of follow-up procedures (flowchart, follow-up indicators, standardization of contracts references)

XXXXXXX, Internship, Commercial development / Marketing Project Management BtoB, Johannesburg, South Africa
-Responsible to expand tender offers market and business opportunities
-Internal seminary for CRM training, information network set up for projects and prospects
-Internal communication audit, new intranet network organization : "Project / Clients / Departments"
-Project management for a B to B campaign to launch a new name / image of the company

XXXXXXX, (for Airbus), Internship, Engineering contract (structure calculations), Toulouse, France
-Structure calculations for Airbus: central careening for A340-500/600
-Modeling and finite element calculations (PATRAN-NASTRAN)/ CADDS / Excel (Macros programming)
-Work with English expert in mechanic calculations

XXXXXXX, Internship, Commercial development / Technical studies , USA
-Market prospecting to expand exportations
-Communication : Press release, web site organization
-Patent studies, benchmark, Technical design

XXXXXXX, Internship : Set up and Design, Toulon, France
-Set and design of Carbon / Kevlar products

New product: launching of a new product, simulation and market studies
Design: design and modeling of a boat shell to launch a new prototype - Hobicat, Toulon

DIPLOMAS

Post graduation in Marketing with honour (Master), in Montpellier, admission on record
-CRM, international marketing, communication and image, commercial and market studies, benchmark, sponsoring, Marketing Mix
Engineer Degree at the ISITV, engineering school (Toulon, France) Admission on record
-Project management, 3D modeling, Materials properties, Structural calculations
Special teaching: Marketing, Law, Finance, and Programming language
-DEUG in Science (Physics & Chemistry) with honour in Caen, France

COMPETENCES

Portuguese : fluent (speaking, reading, writing)
English: fluent (speaking, reading, writing)

Financials and contract negotiations, Purchasing, Suppliers consultation, Procurement procedures set up
Strategic Marketing, Customer behavior analysis / management, Strategic Media Planning, CRM

Project management , Technical requirements, Finite element, Structure calculations
Patran / Nastran, Catia V4 / CADDS

Advanced Excel (macros), PowerPoint, Word - Access, Outlook, Ms Project - Internet tools

MISCELLANEOUS

Handball, for 5 years - Windsurf for 15 years - Surf - Capoeira - Swimming - Running
3 months in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil (Capoeira)

__________________
Saphira