catachrest

This is something my French teacher gave me, entitled "Why bother with second language programs?" Written by Nat Edelstein of Toronto (Canada).


During a recent tête-à-tête with one of my protegés, the discussion turned to the raison d’être for the renaissance of French culture. I am far from being a savant, and in my gaucherie made the faux-pas, with typical insouciance, of saying that bilingualism would never be a fait accompli without a complete exposé of the motives of the bourgeoisie. With much elan, my companion accused me of considering myself one of the elite, whereas in fact I was only a nouveau riche bon vivant, having no rapport with the working class. He quickly recovered his sang-froid and termed my cavalier statement a vile canard. He declared that for him this was a cause célébre, and affaire-d’honneur, and then gave me the choice of weapons, time, and place.

With the help of my valet, whom I appointed to be my aide, I selected épées, the rendezvous a plateau behind my chalet, and the time immediately after matins.

Details of the melee will be found in my memoirs. For now a resume will suffice. It was a complete debacle. Although this was my debut, I quickly rendered the poor boy hors de combat by administering a coup de grace par excellence.

To celebrate, I took my entourage to the restaurant in our town’s only hotel, operated by an absentee entrepreneur. As the buffet did not appeal we consulted the maître d’. On the advice of the chef he recommended from the à la carte menu, a deluxe repast of potage du jour, pâtés, crêpes, entrée of doré with légumes, and for dessert choice of soufflé, parfait, tarte à la mode, followed by café au lait. There was an unexpected divertissement during the meal. A clumsy garçon spilled some consomé on the crêpe de chine dress of one of my personnel, an au pair girl named True English (née French). With surprising nonchalance and the help of my masseur she removed the melange with a serviette. A propos of this I heard later that the management sent her a chic negligée, together with sincere regrets.

My spirit of largesse having been lubricated by an apéritif, a carafe of vin blanc and a liqueur, I conducted the whole ensemble to my garage and unaccustomed avoirdupois, the noble chariot transported us to a matinée at the local theatre. From our seats in the loges we enjoyed a unique programme presented by our corps de ballet with its limited repertoire. We were treated to an encore consisting of an electrifying routine of legerdemain, performed with considerable finesse by a versatile member of the troupe.

En route to our domicile the whole menage proclaimed that their esprit de corps was never better.