natasha666

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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

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Two old retired Marines, that hung around a service type bar, down
around the post gate were really drunk havin' spent most of the day
there.telling each other stories about the world and the corp.
One said, "Ya know Joe, when I first joined upm, i was about 20 and
whenever I got an erection, I couldn't bend it even if I using both
hands.
By the time I was 30, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really
hard.
By the time I was 40 and had made Master/sargeant, I could bend it about
20 degrees, not a problem.
I'm gonna be 50 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with
just one hand."
"So", says Joe, "What's your point?"
"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
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Q: Where can women over the age of 50 find young, sexy men,
who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.

Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term
memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where do 50+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.
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Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not
live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we
would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would
not live forever,"
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Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp.
Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot
of money to spend.
Carlos only brings in two or three dollars a day.
Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.
Jose says, "Look at your sign. It reads: "I have no work, a wife and
six kids to support."
Carlos looks at Jose's sign.
It reads: "I only need another $10 to move back to Mexico-
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A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.
'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'
A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'
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Robert went to his lawyer and said, 'I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it.' The lawyer smiled at Robert and replied, 'Not a problem, leave it all to me.'
Robert looked somewhat upset and said, 'Well, I knew you were going to take a big portion, but I would like to leave a little to my family too!'
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A policeman spotted a jay walker and decided to challenge him, 'Why are you trying to cross here when there's a zebra crossing only 20 metres away?'
'Well,' replied the jay walker, 'I hope it's having better luck than me.'
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Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.
Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, 'Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!'
The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.
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Brenda and Terry are going out for the evening. The last thing they do is put their cat out.
The taxi arrives, and as the couple walk out of the house, the cat scoots back in.
Terry returns inside to chase it out. Brenda, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explains to the taxi driver, 'My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'
Several minutes later, an exhausted Terry arrives and climbs back into the taxi saying, 'Sorry I took so long, the stupid idiot was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out!'
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A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, 'Pardon me, ma' am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.'
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, 'No he didn't . He just walked in the door.'
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.'
Watson replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What does that tell you?'
Watson ponders for a minute.' Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.' Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.'
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Customer: 'I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
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George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family
including his mother-in-law.
During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem.George's
mother-in-law died.
With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American
Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the
States for proper burial.
The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told
George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very,
very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00.
The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the
remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost
$150.00.
George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it
will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do,"
The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your
mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."
"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many
years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third
day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance."
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A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55
mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at
him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years,
but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60
mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of
it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend,
and he's a much better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his
anger increases.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up,
and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids, too."
The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's
up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the
credit cards, too."
The husband slowly starts to veer toward
a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything
you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph,
"I've got the airbag!"
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Amour fait beaucoup, mais l'argent fait tout!