Jokes about my "dear" doctors!

natasha666 · 11-10-2007, 12:10 PM

A patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor to get treatment for it.

Doctor: Your tonsils got to come out.

Patient: I want second opinion.

Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too.

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An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."

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The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."

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There are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be differentiated by the following method:

General Practitioners know nothing and do little.

Surgeons know little and do everything.

Internists knows everything and do nothing.

Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it's usually too late.

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Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be 80.

Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.

Doctor: See, what did I tell you.

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A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.

"Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?"

"I don't see why not," replies the doctor.

"That's funny," says the man. "I wasn't able to play it before".

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I am regularly visitor by medical doctors because of very simple reason and they don't help me. As my Hobby is Astrology, I know, what can help me, but they are blind and after 18 years of searching the cause, I am still on the same. Now, I study Medical Astrology to help other people.

I will collect all jokes about Doctors, because I "like" them and I like jokes.

Natasha

Girl Dreams · 11-13-2007, 10:56 AM

looooooooooool

thanks

natasha666

nopain-nogain · 11-13-2007, 02:34 PM

lol that was very funy thanx natasha

kavita01 · 11-13-2007, 07:33 PM

good one natasha i really enjoyed that

ill be waiting for more

natasha666 · 11-15-2007, 12:35 PM

Here are again doctors (and patients),

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One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go toa computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
"Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After abrief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:"You have tennis elbow.Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting.It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:"Your tap water is too hard.Get a water softener.Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.Your daughter is using cocaine.Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.They aren't yours.Get a lawyer.And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
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A group of doctors were at a convention in SWITZERLAND.The topic of discussion was the new medical technology from their countries.
'In my country," a German doctor said, "medicine is so advanced, we can perform heart surgery on a person on Monday, and have him back to work in 2 weeks."
"That's nothing," a Japanese doctor said. "We can perform an appendectomy on a person on Tuesday, and have him back in work by Saturday."
"That's nothing!" said an American doctor. "We can take an asshole from Arkansas, put him in the White House and half the country is out of work the next day!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man went to visit his doctor. "Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.
The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. "Hello, Doctor't; says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"
"Aha!" says the doctor.
"I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"
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A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...," to which the doctor replies, "I know, I know," placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
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One day there was a 97 year old woman, who wanted to commit suicide but unfortunately she did not know where her heart was.
So the old woman calls up her doctor and asked,"Where's my heart located?"
"On a woman, it's usually located under her left breast," the doctor replied.
The next day the woman was taken to the hospital and diagnosed with a gun shot wound to the knee.
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Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Patient: Go with the good news first.
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Patient: What!?! How about the bad news?
Doctor: Um... I forgot to tell you yesterday
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A man went to the doctor to get a physical.After the doctor examined him, he told the man he had some bad news... he had cancer and alzheimers.
The man replied, " Well, at least I don't have cancer."
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There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”
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When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."
The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."
The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went onstrike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.
Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Moral of the story:You don't need brains to be a boss - any asshole will do.
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"Please remove your blouse and bra," says the doctor to the young blonde, placing his stethoscope around his neck.
When she is ready, the doc says, "Big breaths."
"Yeth," she replies, "and I'm only thixthteen!"
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A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt.
The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where."
The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!"
Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!"
She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!"
She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!"
The doctor laughed and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. You've just got a broken index finger."
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A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
"Miss Smith," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."
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A patient needed a brain transplant and the doctor told the family, "Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $500,000.For a female brain, $200,000," replied the doctor.
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"
"Standard pricing practice," said the doctor. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they've actually been used."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This middle-aged guy wakes up one morning and notices that his eyes are bulging and his ears are protruding.He becomes very concerned.So he goes to his doctor and asks him what is wrong with him.The doctor told him that he has a rare disease that will require him to take this medication for several months to clear up the disease, however the medication will make his hair fall out permanently.
Several months later the guy's eyes are still bulging and his ears are still protruding - more so now that his hair is gone.So this time he goes to a different doctor who informs him that he has a prostate problem and that they will have to remove his testicles.So the guy has the surgery only to find out months later, his eyes are still bulging and his ears are still protruding.
Determined to find out what is wrong with him he goes to another doctor who tells him that the nerves in his hands are pinching the nerve endings in his ears and his eyes and the only way to resolve the problem is to have his hands amputated.Sadly, the guy lets his hands be amputated.
On a follow-up visit to this doctor the doctor informs him that while they were doing the surgery on his hands, they found that the man has a terminal cancer and that he only has months to live.The guy is hysterical at this point and resolves that if he only has months to live he is going to live it up.So he goes out to buy a brand new sports car, new furniture, and a new wardrobe.However, when he went to ordersome custom shirts, the tailor told him he took a 17-inch neck.
"No, I've always taken a 15-inch neck."
"But sir, you have a 17-inch neck."
"Listen - I'm 45 years old, and for the past 30 years I've taken a 15-inch neck."
"Okay, I'll do it. But you do know what happens when the neck is too small?"
"What?"
"It makes your eyes bulge and your ears protrude."
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Hello moderator,

Sorry, jokes are jokes. If they are not "clean", it is not my fault (you can delete them)!

Natasha

p.s. The last one is very similar to my situation, only in my case were 4 teeth removed (right).

Shrek · 11-17-2007, 11:58 AM

Great collection!!

natasha666 · 01-03-2008, 09:55 AM

Hello,

Here are more medical jokes.

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A dentist ran out of anaesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled.
He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction.
It all happened in an instant.
The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth.
Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?"

The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!"
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A guy walks into his doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III'm tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme???"
The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you first before I can answer you."
The doc examines him and says, "Well, I'm pretty sure that I know what the problem is."
The guy asks, "wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"
The doc says,"It's your penis. It's about about 18 inches long and all of the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords."
The guy asks, "Wwwhat ccan wwe ddo about it?"
The doc replies, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering."
The guy says, "Dddo it!"
The guy has the operation and about four weeks later he comes back to the doctor's office and says, "Thanks Doc. You've solved my problem and I don't stutter any more but I've only had sex once in the past month. My wife doesn't enjoy it any more. I cannot satisfy her. She liked my long penis. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back one!"

The doc replies, "Nnnnope. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!"
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An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"
"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."
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A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.
"Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY
A secretary walked into her boss's office & said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you."
"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained.
"Tell me some good news for once."
"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary.

"You're not sterile."
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A woman says to her husband that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.
Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
She asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
Her husband answers, "Just rub toilet paper between them."
"How does that make them bigger?", she asks.
"I don't know, but it certainly worked for your ass."
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"Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline."

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer-
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A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
10. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
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About Colonoscopy I know very well. I would never be a doctor for such a medical examination.

Natasha

11-10-2007, 12:10 PM	#1 (permalink)
natasha666 natasha Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Valley of South Alps Posts: 89 natasha666 is an unknown character at this point	Jokes about my "dear" doctors! A patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor to get treatment for it. Doctor: Your tonsils got to come out. Patient: I want second opinion. Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills." Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will." "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- There are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be differentiated by the following method: General Practitioners know nothing and do little. Surgeons know little and do everything. Internists knows everything and do nothing. Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it's usually too late. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be 80. Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now. Doctor: See, what did I tell you. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands. "Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?" "I don't see why not," replies the doctor. "That's funny," says the man. "I wasn't able to play it before". ----------------------------------------------------------------------- I am regularly visitor by medical doctors because of very simple reason and they don't help me. As my Hobby is Astrology, I know, what can help me, but they are blind and after 18 years of searching the cause, I am still on the same. Now, I study Medical Astrology to help other people. I will collect all jokes about Doctors, because I "like" them and I like jokes. Natasha __________________ Amour fait beaucoup, mais l'argent fait tout!
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11-13-2007, 10:56 AM	#2 (permalink)
Girl Dreams Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Paris-and now in saudi (lol)with my family Posts: 114 Girl Dreams is an unknown character at this point	I can not stop laughing looooooooooool thanks natasha666
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11-13-2007, 02:34 PM	#3 (permalink)
nopain-nogain Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Algeria Posts: 137 nopain-nogain is an unknown character at this point	lol that was very funy thanx natasha __________________ Avant on prenait du LSD pour déformer la réalité , maintenant que la realité est déformée on prend du Prozac pour la voir normalement
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11-13-2007, 07:33 PM	#4 (permalink)
kavita01 Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 204 kavita01 is an unknown character at this point	good one natasha i really enjoyed that ill be waiting for more __________________ Ready to go global? Refer to our Translators for website translation to any language. Get Spanish translation services at spanish translation
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11-15-2007, 12:35 PM	#5 (permalink)
natasha666 natasha Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Valley of South Alps Posts: 89 natasha666 is an unknown character at this point	Here are doctors and patients! Here are again doctors (and patients), -------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go toa computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. "Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After abrief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:"You have tennis elbow.Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting.It will be better in two weeks." Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:"Your tap water is too hard.Get a water softener.Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.Your daughter is using cocaine.Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.They aren't yours.Get a lawyer.And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A group of doctors were at a convention in SWITZERLAND.The topic of discussion was the new medical technology from their countries. 'In my country," a German doctor said, "medicine is so advanced, we can perform heart surgery on a person on Monday, and have him back to work in 2 weeks." "That's nothing," a Japanese doctor said. "We can perform an appendectomy on a person on Tuesday, and have him back in work by Saturday." "That's nothing!" said an American doctor. "We can take an asshole from Arkansas, put him in the White House and half the country is out of work the next day!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man went to visit his doctor. "Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads. The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. "Hello, Doctor't; says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!" "Aha!" says the doctor. "I see the problem. Your arm is broke!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...," to which the doctor replies, "I know, I know," placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day there was a 97 year old woman, who wanted to commit suicide but unfortunately she did not know where her heart was. So the old woman calls up her doctor and asked,"Where's my heart located?" "On a woman, it's usually located under her left breast," the doctor replied. The next day the woman was taken to the hospital and diagnosed with a gun shot wound to the knee. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Doctor: I have good news and bad news. Patient: Go with the good news first. Doctor: You have 24 hours to live. Patient: What!?! How about the bad news? Doctor: Um... I forgot to tell you yesterday -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man went to the doctor to get a physical.After the doctor examined him, he told the man he had some bad news... he had cancer and alzheimers. The man replied, " Well, at least I don't have cancer." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!” -------------------------------------------------------------------------- When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went onstrike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit! Moral of the story:You don't need brains to be a boss - any asshole will do. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Please remove your blouse and bra," says the doctor to the young blonde, placing his stethoscope around his neck. When she is ready, the doc says, "Big breaths." "Yeth," she replies, "and I'm only thixthteen!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt. The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where." The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!" Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!" She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!" She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!" The doctor laughed and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. You've just got a broken index finger." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in. Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation. "Miss Smith," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A patient needed a brain transplant and the doctor told the family, "Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves." "Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives. "For a male brain, $500,000.For a female brain, $200,000," replied the doctor. Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?" "Standard pricing practice," said the doctor. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they've actually been used." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- This middle-aged guy wakes up one morning and notices that his eyes are bulging and his ears are protruding.He becomes very concerned.So he goes to his doctor and asks him what is wrong with him.The doctor told him that he has a rare disease that will require him to take this medication for several months to clear up the disease, however the medication will make his hair fall out permanently. Several months later the guy's eyes are still bulging and his ears are still protruding - more so now that his hair is gone.So this time he goes to a different doctor who informs him that he has a prostate problem and that they will have to remove his testicles.So the guy has the surgery only to find out months later, his eyes are still bulging and his ears are still protruding. Determined to find out what is wrong with him he goes to another doctor who tells him that the nerves in his hands are pinching the nerve endings in his ears and his eyes and the only way to resolve the problem is to have his hands amputated.Sadly, the guy lets his hands be amputated. On a follow-up visit to this doctor the doctor informs him that while they were doing the surgery on his hands, they found that the man has a terminal cancer and that he only has months to live.The guy is hysterical at this point and resolves that if he only has months to live he is going to live it up.So he goes out to buy a brand new sports car, new furniture, and a new wardrobe.However, when he went to ordersome custom shirts, the tailor told him he took a 17-inch neck. "No, I've always taken a 15-inch neck." "But sir, you have a 17-inch neck." "Listen - I'm 45 years old, and for the past 30 years I've taken a 15-inch neck." "Okay, I'll do it. But you do know what happens when the neck is too small?" "What?" "It makes your eyes bulge and your ears protrude." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hello moderator, Sorry, jokes are jokes. If they are not "clean", it is not my fault (you can delete them)! Natasha p.s. The last one is very similar to my situation, only in my case were 4 teeth removed (right). __________________ Amour fait beaucoup, mais l'argent fait tout!
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11-17-2007, 11:58 AM	#6 (permalink)
Shrek Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Posts: 86 Shrek is an unknown character at this point	Great collection!! __________________ Giggle for healthy life More at GigglePedia.com
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01-03-2008, 09:55 AM	#7 (permalink)
natasha666 natasha Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Valley of South Alps Posts: 89 natasha666 is an unknown character at this point	More medical jokes! Hello, Here are more medical jokes. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A dentist ran out of anaesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled. He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction. It all happened in an instant. The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth. Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?" The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy walks into his doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III'm tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme???" The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you first before I can answer you." The doc examines him and says, "Well, I'm pretty sure that I know what the problem is." The guy asks, "wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?" The doc says,"It's your penis. It's about about 18 inches long and all of the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords." The guy asks, "Wwwhat ccan wwe ddo about it?" The doc replies, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering." The guy says, "Dddo it!" The guy has the operation and about four weeks later he comes back to the doctor's office and says, "Thanks Doc. You've solved my problem and I don't stutter any more but I've only had sex once in the past month. My wife doesn't enjoy it any more. I cannot satisfy her. She liked my long penis. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back one!" The doc replies, "Nnnnope. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample." The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?" "What did he say? What's he want?" His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. "Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks." Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!" "Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help." "By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY A secretary walked into her boss's office & said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you." "Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once." "Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman says to her husband that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." She asks, "How do I do it without surgery?" Her husband answers, "Just rub toilet paper between them." "How does that make them bigger?", she asks. "I don't know, but it certainly worked for your ass." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- "Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline." If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies: 1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before." 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" 3. "Can you hear me NOW?" 4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" 5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married." 6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?" 7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...." 8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" 9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!" 10. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity." 11. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ About Colonoscopy I know very well. I would never be a doctor for such a medical examination. Natasha __________________ Amour fait beaucoup, mais l'argent fait tout!
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