natasha666

Here are again doctors (and patients),

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One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go toa computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
"Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After abrief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:"You have tennis elbow.Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting.It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:"Your tap water is too hard.Get a water softener.Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.Your daughter is using cocaine.Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.They aren't yours.Get a lawyer.And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
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A group of doctors were at a convention in SWITZERLAND.The topic of discussion was the new medical technology from their countries.
'In my country," a German doctor said, "medicine is so advanced, we can perform heart surgery on a person on Monday, and have him back to work in 2 weeks."
"That's nothing," a Japanese doctor said. "We can perform an appendectomy on a person on Tuesday, and have him back in work by Saturday."
"That's nothing!" said an American doctor. "We can take an asshole from Arkansas, put him in the White House and half the country is out of work the next day!"
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A man went to visit his doctor. "Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.
The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. "Hello, Doctor't; says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"
"Aha!" says the doctor.
"I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"
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A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...," to which the doctor replies, "I know, I know," placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
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One day there was a 97 year old woman, who wanted to commit suicide but unfortunately she did not know where her heart was.
So the old woman calls up her doctor and asked,"Where's my heart located?"
"On a woman, it's usually located under her left breast," the doctor replied.
The next day the woman was taken to the hospital and diagnosed with a gun shot wound to the knee.
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Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Patient: Go with the good news first.
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Patient: What!?! How about the bad news?
Doctor: Um... I forgot to tell you yesterday
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A man went to the doctor to get a physical.After the doctor examined him, he told the man he had some bad news... he had cancer and alzheimers.
The man replied, " Well, at least I don't have cancer."
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There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”
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When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."
The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."
The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went onstrike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.
Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Moral of the story:You don't need brains to be a boss - any asshole will do.
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"Please remove your blouse and bra," says the doctor to the young blonde, placing his stethoscope around his neck.
When she is ready, the doc says, "Big breaths."
"Yeth," she replies, "and I'm only thixthteen!"
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A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt.
The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where."
The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!"
Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!"
She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!"
She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!"
The doctor laughed and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. You've just got a broken index finger."
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A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
"Miss Smith," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."
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A patient needed a brain transplant and the doctor told the family, "Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $500,000.For a female brain, $200,000," replied the doctor.
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"
"Standard pricing practice," said the doctor. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they've actually been used."
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This middle-aged guy wakes up one morning and notices that his eyes are bulging and his ears are protruding.He becomes very concerned.So he goes to his doctor and asks him what is wrong with him.The doctor told him that he has a rare disease that will require him to take this medication for several months to clear up the disease, however the medication will make his hair fall out permanently.
Several months later the guy's eyes are still bulging and his ears are still protruding - more so now that his hair is gone.So this time he goes to a different doctor who informs him that he has a prostate problem and that they will have to remove his testicles.So the guy has the surgery only to find out months later, his eyes are still bulging and his ears are still protruding.
Determined to find out what is wrong with him he goes to another doctor who tells him that the nerves in his hands are pinching the nerve endings in his ears and his eyes and the only way to resolve the problem is to have his hands amputated.Sadly, the guy lets his hands be amputated.
On a follow-up visit to this doctor the doctor informs him that while they were doing the surgery on his hands, they found that the man has a terminal cancer and that he only has months to live.The guy is hysterical at this point and resolves that if he only has months to live he is going to live it up.So he goes out to buy a brand new sports car, new furniture, and a new wardrobe.However, when he went to ordersome custom shirts, the tailor told him he took a 17-inch neck.
"No, I've always taken a 15-inch neck."
"But sir, you have a 17-inch neck."
"Listen - I'm 45 years old, and for the past 30 years I've taken a 15-inch neck."
"Okay, I'll do it. But you do know what happens when the neck is too small?"
"What?"
"It makes your eyes bulge and your ears protrude."
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Hello moderator,

Sorry, jokes are jokes. If they are not "clean", it is not my fault (you can delete them)!

Natasha

p.s. The last one is very similar to my situation, only in my case were 4 teeth removed (right).

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